23 weeks

We had a great weekend planned (and did have fun), but the entire weekend it just felt like there was a layer of sadness hovering over us.  We didn't watch any news.  I watched President Obama's speech last night until he got to the names and pictures.  I couldn't go there.  Stella was in the kitchen with me and already could see I was upset so I changed the channel and the subject.  I'm not sure how many times I cried, and I know that we spent a whole lot of extra time just loving on and watching our girls feeling so blessed that they were with us.

Hopefully I'll post pictures of the Polar Express train ride soon... though the holidays might sweep over nad mean silence here for a while...

Here's my 23 week pic:  my goal is to buy every shirt/sweater/dress I can find that covers my booty so I can wear leggings as often as possible!

Stella snuck in with her matching belly.  :)

22 weeks

Nothing worth updating. I feel good, she's moving and shaking, and thankfully I can still do everything I want/need to.

We're soaking up the holidays with movies, fires, lights, advent activities, and Bob & Betty. Betty left the girls a note this morning telling them she has to go back to help Santa for the rest of the year. Poor Stella cried because she'll miss her. That girl has the most sensitive heart! I adore that about her but it also worries me as I'm afraid there will be a lot of heartache for her. I feel so lucky to know her!

21 weeks

I haven't posted for a bit not because we're still pouting, it's just that busy time of year with lots of being grateful for ours we blessings and trying to milk every ounce of fun/love/celebration/tradition out of the holidays. We've enjoyed a lot of Christmas movie nights by the fire, Christmas books (which I didn't wrap this year... sometimes we'll read several a day and sometimes none. The wrapping turned out to be a waste of time and paper for us), and Advent activities. Even Jim calls me at school to ask what how we're going to "Christmas it up" each night.

We're pretty much over the ultrasound shock. It's still strange for me hear Jim say her/she and I'm still using "it", but I'm over it. He still has his moments, and frankly I'm sure always will, but is happy. On Thanksgiving morning he said, "I'm still a little sad that I won't have anyone to watch football with me on Thanksgiving while you girls are in the kitchen." I feel for him. I'd be sad if I were alone in the kitchen with a gaggle of boys all watching football! On Saturday a woman we don't know asked about the baby. When we told her it was another girl, she said, "another girl? It takes a special man to have 3 girls!" Special indeed. I couldn't have picked a better man to raise these girls.

When our neighbor found out its another girl she told me that she's the fourth generation of 3 girls and that we'll be we'll taken care of because girls take good care of their parents (true) and I was reminded of something I wrote when we found out Lu was a girl. I think girls tend to stay closer to their families. For that I'm immensely grateful!

Anyway, we're 21 weeks and 3 days today and not much to update pregnancy wise. Still down a couple of pounds, still in regular pants, still feel normal for the most part. In fact, when I went back & read my 20 update from Lucy it's virtually identical. (I'd be ok if she ended up a bit smaller though!)

The moment my heart broke

I'm going to be completely and brutally honest here.  Ugly honest. Without pictures to try to lighten the mood.

I've never had a "gut" feeling as to what any of our kids were going to be.  When we found out we were pregnant this time, and under the circumstances, I thought logically that it MUST be a boy.  I thought that we must have gotten pregnant against all of the odds because we were meant to have a son.  Jim was meant to have a son.  I kept going on and on to him about why it must be a boy even when I knew he was mentally/emotionally trying to prepare himself for a third girl.  I should never have done that.

The tech yesterday offered to try to find out if baby was a boy or a girl right at the beginning of our appointment which at the time I thought was great.  Baby was super cooperative, and as soon as he got the shot Jim and I both knew.  There was nothing there.  It wasn't a boy.  I instantly said, "I'm sorry" to Jim and started crying.  The room was silent (poor tech) and several more times throughout the appointment I just mouthed "I'm sorry" to him.  I'm sure the tech thought I was an awful person.  I felt like an awful person.  I was so sure that the reason we'd been given this "oops" pregnancy was because we were supposed to have a boy in our family.  I thought, "If the point of this pregnancy isn't to have a boy, what's the point?  What's the point of us having ANOTHER girl?"  I actually thought that.  Those exact thoughts.  "What's the point of this baby?"  Can you imagine the guilt I have over that thought?

We were both pretty quiet walking back to the car and Jim did all of the talking while I cried on the way to the store to get the balloons.  Balloons I'd been so very excited to get home and give to the girls.  Balloons that I now wanted nothing to do with.  Jim was crushed, my heart was breaking for him, and we both felt enormous guilt for this yet-to-be-born baby girl.

We picked the girls up, which brightened both of our moods a little and headed home to have them open the box.  Stella saw the pink balloon and said, "it's a girl?"  I think even she was in shock.  She and Lu played with the balloons for a while and we all just hung out in Lucy's room.  Being with those two girls was the best thing for Jim and I at that moment.

Later last night Stella said, "Why does God always do something different?  If I were God, I'd have picked a boy.  I'd have thought 'too.many.GIRLS!'"  (said with the cutest little Miss Thing hand gesture).

It was pretty quiet at our house the rest of the night.  Finally, emotionally drained we went to bed.  I thought the worst was over.  Stella woke in the middle of the night crying... she was just SAD.

This morning I was still feeling low.  I got into the shower just thinking I was tired and I LOST it.  I was just sobbing and thinking, "I'm SO sorry, Jim.  I'm SO sorry, Stella.  I'm SO sorry, God.  I'm SO sorry baby girl." over and over.  When Jim came into the bathroom we talked a little more.  Because of his childhood he feels like maybe he'd have been too tough on a son.  He thinks that it's his fault we don't get to have a son.  That he's not deserving.  I hate watching him like that.  As he walked out of the bathroom he said, "I trust that God gave us what we need.  I just wish God trusted me a little more."  Seriously?!?!  Let the water-works start all over again.

I think we've gotten a lot of it out of our systems.  I think we're approaching a place of acceptance.  I KNOW without any doubt that our life will be beyond wonderful and that we are so blessed.  I know without a doubt that this girl will know how very WANTED she is.  I have no doubts about any of that.  I also know that there will probably always be times that Jim wished he could have known what it would be like to have a son.  I'm so sorry that we weren't able to experience that, but so very grateful that (especially the way things were looking a few years ago) we are where we are with the growing family that we have.

This post wasn't fun to write and I'm sure it's not particularly uplifting to read, but it's real and it feels good to vomit it all out.

It's a...

19 weeks

I'm ready to see some more pictures of the sweet babe and get a bit more reassurance that everything is going well (I never really relax until they're in our arms... who am I kidding???  I never stop worrying!) But you know what I mean.  I can't quite let my guard down until I'm holding them,  have seen their face, counted all of the little fingers and toes, and heard their cries. 

I'm a bundle of nerves today - wish us luck!



Patience

People sometimes tell me they don't know how I have the patience to be a teacher.  Honestly, I'm not at ALL a patient person!  Other than everyone being healthy, it may be the one things I pray for most - being a more patient mama.

Being pregnant is rough for impatient people and about now I'm dying to know if this wee one is a he or a she!  I want to knit for it, shop for it, plan bedrooms, etc.

I have mixed emotions about it...  on one hand, I'd LOVE for all of us to get to experience having a boy (Stella is DYING for a brother) and I would love nothing more than to see Jim with a son.

On the other hand, I have pretty much zero experience with little boys.  I don't even think I've ever changed a boy's diaper!  I really have no desire to play with legos and GI Joe men (just as Jim doesn't want to play with dolls and barbies).  The room situation would also be so much easier if this baby is a girl.  But... I think what makes me want a girl the most is that we have a girl name that we are both over the moon CRAZY for!  It's totally unlike us have names that we like at this point (we still won't share until s/he's born), but I'll honestly be bummed not to get to use the name.  Isn't that ridiculous?!?!?!

Everything points to a boy so I'm trying to prepare myself to not get to use it and Jim's preparing himself for more estrogen in the house.  I'll be so very glad when we know and can do some planning!

Happy Friday!

Prep work!

The girls are going to be away tomorrow night so in addition to some much appreciated alone time with Jim (sadly, we're spending some of our time car shopping - BLECH!!!!), I'm planning to do some Advent Calendar/Christmas prep!

I made a list of ideas for Bob, our elf, and a list of advent activities.  Some will probably be left out as I do want to get the girls a couple of small presents, but the activities went over really well this year so I'd like to continue with them.  In case you're in need (and haven't gotten a ton of ideas from Pinterest already), here are ours:  I printed out a holiday pattern on one side and then put the paper back through to print on the other side so when I hang them from the girls' calendars they'll see a design.  Pretty scrapbook paper would work well too, I just didn't happen to have any.

18 weeks

At 18 weeks I feel like there isn't really a lot to report.  I feel so much like my "normal" self that I find myself forgetting about even being pregnant!  The little flutters are getting more frequent to remind me though.  :)

Holiday Countdowns

It's no secret by now that I love me some countdowns!  And... seeing as Stella is a little version of me in so many ways, it's no surprise that she loves them too.  I always find that they make it easier for her to judge time.  Last night she asked me if I'd make her a countdown to Bob again this year (our Elf on the Shelf).  She loves to mark a big "X" through each box at the end of the day!  Since she doesn't have a great grasp of days and has no concept really of DATES, I use pictures for each day to help her indentify them.  Here's ours for this year:

She also asked if we could do Santa's beard countdown again this year.  Last year I made one but this year I found one already done online and just printed it out.  I like that it has numbered spots for the cottonballs!

 I think that the more little things we do the easier the wait is!

Other than an advent calender (which we do up big), does your family have anything you do to help the little ones with the wait?  I'm always looking for new ideas to try out!

Happy LOOONG weekend, I'm off for some fun with one of my favorite people!

17 weeks

Finding time to put on the pregnancy dress, set up the camera, and try to take a picture while its light out is proving difficult. A quick cell phone shot I can handle!

Still down a few pounds, still in regular clothes, and the nausea is gone. This stage of pregnancy really does kick butt!

Week 16

There's a line in Father of the Bride (the fiance goes to the bar after they fight about a blender and her dad goes to talk to him).  The dad tells him that Annie comes from a long-line of over-reactors but that with each generation it lessens so their children may actually have a shot at turning out normal.  This is my family except with worrying!

I'm never at a loss of things to worry and stress out about.  Add to that a 3rd, and unplanned, pregnancy and I have been freaking out about SOMETHING since August 13!

The two things that are at the top of my list most of the time are how Lucy's going to adjust (she's just so darn little and still needs so very much), and how in the HELL I'm ever going to be able to do anything or go anyplace again.  I'm so very glad that at least Stella can buckle herself into her carseat and I don't have to worry about her running off while in a store. I wonder if it would be too much to ask for her to carry the baby into stores in the infant seat so I can carry Lu and the diaper bag? :)  IF I manage to get us all into a store without any incidents in the parking lot, how exactly do people get both kids into the grocery cart and have room for their um... groceries maybe?  I'm going to have to buy everything at Target just because they have those crazy big carts!

Ok, I can use a pack for one of them and put the other in the cart.  That will work right?  Let's just hope I never actually need to make more than one stop or just a quick little stop.  It's going to take me twice as long to get kids buckled/unbuckled, into packs, safely across parking lots than 90% of my errands take.  It's exhausting just to think about.

Things have actually been getting a bit easier around here (at least until the last 2 weeks when Lucy has gotten super clingy and throws a fit if I put her down... that should be fun with a newborn).  Lucy can play a bit more independently, and several times I've thought, "Oh man, and now we have to start all over!"

I'm already missing sleep and showers!  While Stella's not exactly old enough to do much to help, (oh how I'd love somebody in the house just to hold a baby for 30 minutes a day) I'm SO grateful that she's not younger than she is.  3 under 3 sounds like a recipe for the crazy house to me!

Please know that my worries are NOT IN ANY WAY and indication that I'm not supremely aware of how blessed we are and grateful for it every. single. day.  I know, believe me, I know!

Knits!



Maybe it's the fall weather, but I've found my knitting groove again and I'm SO VERY HAPPY about it! There's something so relaxing about putting my feet up (for a few minutes) at the end of the night with a fire going and my knitting.  I also admit that I enjoy wearing handknits and I REALLY love seeing my babies in something that I knit them.  I love knowing the time and love that went into picking just the right the pattern and yarn for them as well as the love that goes into each stitch.  It makes them so special to me.  I have each and everything saved for them to put on their own littles if they choose.

My favorite finished knit in a LONG time was a dress (which ended up being more of a tunic) for Lucy.  I adore the pattern and color.  I wish I had finished it earlier so she would have been able to wear it a bit more.  The first time she wore it to a family function she went crazy on berries and got berry juice all over it - I'm still trying to see if I can save it!

I'm sure you've seen the boot cuffs that are all over Pinterest.  I've heard people say that you can make them out of sweater sleeves, but there are some CUTE patterns for knit cuffs too!  This was my first pair, but most definitely not my last.

And finally, (for today) an ear warmer.  I think these are ADORABLE on the right person with the right hair.  Neither of which I have.  I tried to fake some bangs for the picture and pulled back some of my hair and I actually like it, but I don't think I'd ever have the guts to actually wear it anyplace.  Jim's cousin asked me if she could buy a pair of boot cuffs from me and then last week she asked if she could pay me to make her an ear warmer. We both loved this pattern and it turned out to be CRAZY easy. This would be the perfect first knitting project for someone who's been wanting to learn.  It's small and you just knit a rectangle.  When you're done you sew the two ends together and then wrap yarn around the seam to hide it.  It's kind of strange making something that someboday wants to PAY for, but once in a while it would be kind of fun.



I'm finishing up Lucy's hat for Trick o Treating, then it's another of these, more boot cuffs, hats for the family, maybe a mitten Christmas garland, and Stella's been begging me to work on her blanket.  Also, as soon as we find out if this little one is a he or  a she I can start knitting for them!  Normally, such a long "to-do" list would stress me out, but with knitting I love having a long line of things waiting for me!

Happy Hump Day!

Food and a fall picture dump!

First of all, let me vent about food for just a minute.  I didn't have issues with being sick with either of the girls.  Sadly, that wasn't the case this time around.  I seem to be over most of my nausea, but I can't seem to get past some of the aversions. Typically, Jim and I have very different tastes in food.  I'd love to eat veggies/pasta (ok, and cereal) for dinner every night and he's a meat eater.  Usually we can kind of work around it.  I can eat ground turkey and boneless skinless chicken breast so most dinners involve those and once in a while I'll make him something like meatloaf or a steak or he'll BBQ meat for himself and I'll just eat the rest of the dinner.

Lately I haven't wanted ANYTHING to do with any kind of meat. Since I try to do crockpot meals about twice a week during the school year it's made it difficult. I've made several dinners that would normally be ok and about half way through making it I know I'm never going to be able to eat it.  All I can think of to eat for dinner is the normal veggies/pasta or curry/Thai.  Meal planning has become a total nightmare!

Anyway, enough of the "poor me". We had a great little fall family day today.  We went to the pumpkin patch, stopped by a bridge I'd been wanting to take pictures on forever, and then carved pumpkins after dinner. The girls are both whooped! I didn't edit any pictures (because I'd have never gotten them posted - that's just the way life's going right now!) I have knitting sitting here next to me calling my name. ;)

And a note: this little 1 1/2 year old REFUSES to look at the camera!

And one more note: What the heck is going on with Blogger?  Everytime I check a preview it has a different font!  I have no idea what ugly thing you're seeing - sorry!

We were telling her to move her arms and she yelled at us, "I'M COLD!"

14

 As the weather gets darker earlier these pictures are going to get harder and harder to get.  ISO was cranked to 3200 and IT SHOWS!  :(

Of course, my baby wanted in on the picture taking action.  Love this sweet and silly little pea!

"Belly" pictures

 I've been planning to do some pictures KIND OF like the ones I tried to do with Lucy.  I got a dress to wear in all of them - I thought it would be fun to watch the belly change/grow that way.  There's a really cute chalkboard idea on Pinterest, but I don't have a good place in the house to do it and let's face it, there's no time in my life to make a cute little drawing on a chalkboard every week!  These pics aren't great, the light in the room I use is pathetic. 

I'm 14 weeks now so obviously I've missed 2 weeks - it's too early to be slacking!  :)