Tuesday, November 20, 2012

The moment my heart broke

I'm going to be completely and brutally honest here.  Ugly honest. Without pictures to try to lighten the mood.

I've never had a "gut" feeling as to what any of our kids were going to be.  When we found out we were pregnant this time, and under the circumstances, I thought logically that it MUST be a boy.  I thought that we must have gotten pregnant against all of the odds because we were meant to have a son.  Jim was meant to have a son.  I kept going on and on to him about why it must be a boy even when I knew he was mentally/emotionally trying to prepare himself for a third girl.  I should never have done that.

The tech yesterday offered to try to find out if baby was a boy or a girl right at the beginning of our appointment which at the time I thought was great.  Baby was super cooperative, and as soon as he got the shot Jim and I both knew.  There was nothing there.  It wasn't a boy.  I instantly said, "I'm sorry" to Jim and started crying.  The room was silent (poor tech) and several more times throughout the appointment I just mouthed "I'm sorry" to him.  I'm sure the tech thought I was an awful person.  I felt like an awful person.  I was so sure that the reason we'd been given this "oops" pregnancy was because we were supposed to have a boy in our family.  I thought, "If the point of this pregnancy isn't to have a boy, what's the point?  What's the point of us having ANOTHER girl?"  I actually thought that.  Those exact thoughts.  "What's the point of this baby?"  Can you imagine the guilt I have over that thought?

We were both pretty quiet walking back to the car and Jim did all of the talking while I cried on the way to the store to get the balloons.  Balloons I'd been so very excited to get home and give to the girls.  Balloons that I now wanted nothing to do with.  Jim was crushed, my heart was breaking for him, and we both felt enormous guilt for this yet-to-be-born baby girl.

We picked the girls up, which brightened both of our moods a little and headed home to have them open the box.  Stella saw the pink balloon and said, "it's a girl?"  I think even she was in shock.  She and Lu played with the balloons for a while and we all just hung out in Lucy's room.  Being with those two girls was the best thing for Jim and I at that moment.

Later last night Stella said, "Why does God always do something different?  If I were God, I'd have picked a boy.  I'd have thought 'too.many.GIRLS!'"  (said with the cutest little Miss Thing hand gesture).

It was pretty quiet at our house the rest of the night.  Finally, emotionally drained we went to bed.  I thought the worst was over.  Stella woke in the middle of the night crying... she was just SAD.

This morning I was still feeling low.  I got into the shower just thinking I was tired and I LOST it.  I was just sobbing and thinking, "I'm SO sorry, Jim.  I'm SO sorry, Stella.  I'm SO sorry, God.  I'm SO sorry baby girl." over and over.  When Jim came into the bathroom we talked a little more.  Because of his childhood he feels like maybe he'd have been too tough on a son.  He thinks that it's his fault we don't get to have a son.  That he's not deserving.  I hate watching him like that.  As he walked out of the bathroom he said, "I trust that God gave us what we need.  I just wish God trusted me a little more."  Seriously?!?!  Let the water-works start all over again.

I think we've gotten a lot of it out of our systems.  I think we're approaching a place of acceptance.  I KNOW without any doubt that our life will be beyond wonderful and that we are so blessed.  I know without a doubt that this girl will know how very WANTED she is.  I have no doubts about any of that.  I also know that there will probably always be times that Jim wished he could have known what it would be like to have a son.  I'm so sorry that we weren't able to experience that, but so very grateful that (especially the way things were looking a few years ago) we are where we are with the growing family that we have.

This post wasn't fun to write and I'm sure it's not particularly uplifting to read, but it's real and it feels good to vomit it all out.


  1. Ahhh waterworks over here!!! Your post is so honest and open and amazing. It is OK to feel disappointed about not having the boy. I remember when I was first pregnant with our daughter that my husband would tell everyone that he "wants a boy" and she turned out a girl...I got what I wanted. He was a bit disappointed but I reassured him that we would one day have another child and the odds of 50/50 could mean it was a boy. Round two and we're pregnant again and this time he says "it better be a boy, if it's another girl I'm going to be really disappointed" and people actually got mad at him for having these thoughts. As if he wasn't allowed to want his boy. We luckily ended up with our boy too but I know in my heart of hearts that he would have genuinely been disappointed with another little lady. Not that he would love it any less, just differently.

    I fully empathize with you right now. But, be greatful for what you are given and know that this little baby girl will teach you something about life that you never knew before. Plus, you make darn cute little girls!

  2. Your post really resonated with me. Thank you for writing with a truth that many people would not have the courage to do. I do not like when people get mad at us for having feelings of disappointment. We all know we will love the baby no matter what but it's unfair to judge a person's disappointment and tell them they can't feel that way when it's the honest truth. I still have a hard time accepting how my delivery ended up going and wish it could have been different but I would never wish my daughter wasn't here. I think it just takes time and you should express your feelings and come to a point where you accept it personally and as a family. That is what will make you realize even through the disappointment how truly special this new little girl is. She will be so loved by all (and already is).