A downhill slope

Baby girl was 29 weeks on Sunday and I figured I'd better post before things change!  People have been asking me how I feel and I keep saying, "great, this has got to be the best time of pregnancy!"

So far:  I'm not tired, I haven't broken out maternity pants, the numb spot at the top of my belly hasn't made an appearance yet, her kicks aren't uncomfortable, I feel great...

BUT.  I can feel it coming.  That bend in the pregnancy road that lets you know you're nearing the finish line.  I'm starting to feel my breathe getting a bit shorter, it's getting harder to carry a 5 year old upstairs to bed each night, and it's harder to find a comfortable position on the couch. 

I'm not complaining.  I won't ever complain.  (ok, maybe once or twice to a husband who needs a little reminding of what I'm working with)  I feel so blessed to have the chance to go down this road once more when there was a time I feared I'd never get to experience any of it.  For the sake of that heartbroken version of myself and for all of the women who still long for this, I refuse to complain about any of it!

I'm getting anxious though.  Getting her room ready for her is on my mind a LOT, I want to knit for her constantly, and I'm SO looking forward to the feel of that fuzzy bit of hair tickling my nose as I breathe her in.  I can't believe I'm being trusted to be a Mama to another beautiful girl, how very lucky I feel!

We're getting closer, and I cannot wait to complete this family of ours!

25 Weeks

I don't have a 25 week pic, but here are two from 24 weeks.  I swear it's grown a TON since these were taken!

I'm so far behind in blogging!  I finally uploaded some pictures last night so I just need to organize some posts and get them up!

I wrote a post on my first blog when I was 25 weeks pregnant with Lucy about some of my fears.  I hadn't thought about it in ages, but just in the last week or so I've started WORRYING.  It's funny how it's hit at exactly the same time it did last time.

This time, I'm worried about Lucy mostly.  There have been several people (2 of which are from 3 girl families) who've said that the first and third are really close but that the middle daughter is the "odd girl out".  I want all 3 of my girls to be close.  I'm not naive, I know that there will be bumps and that there will be times when any given 2 may be closer, but I hope that WHICH two it is is more of a fluid thing and that there isn't EVER one of them who feels like she doesn't fit in.

I'm so totally over any disappointment about not having a boy (even though I do still feel badly for Jim), and I'm SO VERY EXCITED to have another girl to watch movies with, bake with, craft, paint nails etc.  I never dreamt our lives would turn out like this and I feel so incredibly blessed.  I just so badly want them to have a strong relationship/bond/love for each other!

I still have moments of shock, and there are still times I feel like I'm too old and/or I'm going to be SO very overwhelmed with 3 littles, but I must admit that the feelings of excitement at meeting her are beginning.  I'm not a person who usually goes ga-ga over babies in general, but my own...?  Oh, I can't wait to smell her, snuggle her, feel the weight of her sleeping body on my chest...  Heavenly!  Most of all, I am so excited to watch Stella be a big sister again and this time she'll be able to do even more.  We certainly have struck it rich!

23 weeks

We had a great weekend planned (and did have fun), but the entire weekend it just felt like there was a layer of sadness hovering over us.  We didn't watch any news.  I watched President Obama's speech last night until he got to the names and pictures.  I couldn't go there.  Stella was in the kitchen with me and already could see I was upset so I changed the channel and the subject.  I'm not sure how many times I cried, and I know that we spent a whole lot of extra time just loving on and watching our girls feeling so blessed that they were with us.

Hopefully I'll post pictures of the Polar Express train ride soon... though the holidays might sweep over nad mean silence here for a while...

Here's my 23 week pic:  my goal is to buy every shirt/sweater/dress I can find that covers my booty so I can wear leggings as often as possible!

Stella snuck in with her matching belly.  :)

22 weeks

Nothing worth updating. I feel good, she's moving and shaking, and thankfully I can still do everything I want/need to.

We're soaking up the holidays with movies, fires, lights, advent activities, and Bob & Betty. Betty left the girls a note this morning telling them she has to go back to help Santa for the rest of the year. Poor Stella cried because she'll miss her. That girl has the most sensitive heart! I adore that about her but it also worries me as I'm afraid there will be a lot of heartache for her. I feel so lucky to know her!

21 weeks

I haven't posted for a bit not because we're still pouting, it's just that busy time of year with lots of being grateful for ours we blessings and trying to milk every ounce of fun/love/celebration/tradition out of the holidays. We've enjoyed a lot of Christmas movie nights by the fire, Christmas books (which I didn't wrap this year... sometimes we'll read several a day and sometimes none. The wrapping turned out to be a waste of time and paper for us), and Advent activities. Even Jim calls me at school to ask what how we're going to "Christmas it up" each night.

We're pretty much over the ultrasound shock. It's still strange for me hear Jim say her/she and I'm still using "it", but I'm over it. He still has his moments, and frankly I'm sure always will, but is happy. On Thanksgiving morning he said, "I'm still a little sad that I won't have anyone to watch football with me on Thanksgiving while you girls are in the kitchen." I feel for him. I'd be sad if I were alone in the kitchen with a gaggle of boys all watching football! On Saturday a woman we don't know asked about the baby. When we told her it was another girl, she said, "another girl? It takes a special man to have 3 girls!" Special indeed. I couldn't have picked a better man to raise these girls.

When our neighbor found out its another girl she told me that she's the fourth generation of 3 girls and that we'll be we'll taken care of because girls take good care of their parents (true) and I was reminded of something I wrote when we found out Lu was a girl. I think girls tend to stay closer to their families. For that I'm immensely grateful!

Anyway, we're 21 weeks and 3 days today and not much to update pregnancy wise. Still down a couple of pounds, still in regular pants, still feel normal for the most part. In fact, when I went back & read my 20 update from Lucy it's virtually identical. (I'd be ok if she ended up a bit smaller though!)

The moment my heart broke

I'm going to be completely and brutally honest here.  Ugly honest. Without pictures to try to lighten the mood.

I've never had a "gut" feeling as to what any of our kids were going to be.  When we found out we were pregnant this time, and under the circumstances, I thought logically that it MUST be a boy.  I thought that we must have gotten pregnant against all of the odds because we were meant to have a son.  Jim was meant to have a son.  I kept going on and on to him about why it must be a boy even when I knew he was mentally/emotionally trying to prepare himself for a third girl.  I should never have done that.

The tech yesterday offered to try to find out if baby was a boy or a girl right at the beginning of our appointment which at the time I thought was great.  Baby was super cooperative, and as soon as he got the shot Jim and I both knew.  There was nothing there.  It wasn't a boy.  I instantly said, "I'm sorry" to Jim and started crying.  The room was silent (poor tech) and several more times throughout the appointment I just mouthed "I'm sorry" to him.  I'm sure the tech thought I was an awful person.  I felt like an awful person.  I was so sure that the reason we'd been given this "oops" pregnancy was because we were supposed to have a boy in our family.  I thought, "If the point of this pregnancy isn't to have a boy, what's the point?  What's the point of us having ANOTHER girl?"  I actually thought that.  Those exact thoughts.  "What's the point of this baby?"  Can you imagine the guilt I have over that thought?

We were both pretty quiet walking back to the car and Jim did all of the talking while I cried on the way to the store to get the balloons.  Balloons I'd been so very excited to get home and give to the girls.  Balloons that I now wanted nothing to do with.  Jim was crushed, my heart was breaking for him, and we both felt enormous guilt for this yet-to-be-born baby girl.

We picked the girls up, which brightened both of our moods a little and headed home to have them open the box.  Stella saw the pink balloon and said, "it's a girl?"  I think even she was in shock.  She and Lu played with the balloons for a while and we all just hung out in Lucy's room.  Being with those two girls was the best thing for Jim and I at that moment.

Later last night Stella said, "Why does God always do something different?  If I were God, I'd have picked a boy.  I'd have thought 'too.many.GIRLS!'"  (said with the cutest little Miss Thing hand gesture).

It was pretty quiet at our house the rest of the night.  Finally, emotionally drained we went to bed.  I thought the worst was over.  Stella woke in the middle of the night crying... she was just SAD.

This morning I was still feeling low.  I got into the shower just thinking I was tired and I LOST it.  I was just sobbing and thinking, "I'm SO sorry, Jim.  I'm SO sorry, Stella.  I'm SO sorry, God.  I'm SO sorry baby girl." over and over.  When Jim came into the bathroom we talked a little more.  Because of his childhood he feels like maybe he'd have been too tough on a son.  He thinks that it's his fault we don't get to have a son.  That he's not deserving.  I hate watching him like that.  As he walked out of the bathroom he said, "I trust that God gave us what we need.  I just wish God trusted me a little more."  Seriously?!?!  Let the water-works start all over again.

I think we've gotten a lot of it out of our systems.  I think we're approaching a place of acceptance.  I KNOW without any doubt that our life will be beyond wonderful and that we are so blessed.  I know without a doubt that this girl will know how very WANTED she is.  I have no doubts about any of that.  I also know that there will probably always be times that Jim wished he could have known what it would be like to have a son.  I'm so sorry that we weren't able to experience that, but so very grateful that (especially the way things were looking a few years ago) we are where we are with the growing family that we have.

This post wasn't fun to write and I'm sure it's not particularly uplifting to read, but it's real and it feels good to vomit it all out.

It's a...