23 weeks

We had a great weekend planned (and did have fun), but the entire weekend it just felt like there was a layer of sadness hovering over us.  We didn't watch any news.  I watched President Obama's speech last night until he got to the names and pictures.  I couldn't go there.  Stella was in the kitchen with me and already could see I was upset so I changed the channel and the subject.  I'm not sure how many times I cried, and I know that we spent a whole lot of extra time just loving on and watching our girls feeling so blessed that they were with us.

Hopefully I'll post pictures of the Polar Express train ride soon... though the holidays might sweep over nad mean silence here for a while...

Here's my 23 week pic:  my goal is to buy every shirt/sweater/dress I can find that covers my booty so I can wear leggings as often as possible!

Stella snuck in with her matching belly.  :)

22 weeks

Nothing worth updating. I feel good, she's moving and shaking, and thankfully I can still do everything I want/need to.

We're soaking up the holidays with movies, fires, lights, advent activities, and Bob & Betty. Betty left the girls a note this morning telling them she has to go back to help Santa for the rest of the year. Poor Stella cried because she'll miss her. That girl has the most sensitive heart! I adore that about her but it also worries me as I'm afraid there will be a lot of heartache for her. I feel so lucky to know her!

21 weeks

I haven't posted for a bit not because we're still pouting, it's just that busy time of year with lots of being grateful for ours we blessings and trying to milk every ounce of fun/love/celebration/tradition out of the holidays. We've enjoyed a lot of Christmas movie nights by the fire, Christmas books (which I didn't wrap this year... sometimes we'll read several a day and sometimes none. The wrapping turned out to be a waste of time and paper for us), and Advent activities. Even Jim calls me at school to ask what how we're going to "Christmas it up" each night.

We're pretty much over the ultrasound shock. It's still strange for me hear Jim say her/she and I'm still using "it", but I'm over it. He still has his moments, and frankly I'm sure always will, but is happy. On Thanksgiving morning he said, "I'm still a little sad that I won't have anyone to watch football with me on Thanksgiving while you girls are in the kitchen." I feel for him. I'd be sad if I were alone in the kitchen with a gaggle of boys all watching football! On Saturday a woman we don't know asked about the baby. When we told her it was another girl, she said, "another girl? It takes a special man to have 3 girls!" Special indeed. I couldn't have picked a better man to raise these girls.

When our neighbor found out its another girl she told me that she's the fourth generation of 3 girls and that we'll be we'll taken care of because girls take good care of their parents (true) and I was reminded of something I wrote when we found out Lu was a girl. I think girls tend to stay closer to their families. For that I'm immensely grateful!

Anyway, we're 21 weeks and 3 days today and not much to update pregnancy wise. Still down a couple of pounds, still in regular pants, still feel normal for the most part. In fact, when I went back & read my 20 update from Lucy it's virtually identical. (I'd be ok if she ended up a bit smaller though!)

The moment my heart broke

I'm going to be completely and brutally honest here.  Ugly honest. Without pictures to try to lighten the mood.

I've never had a "gut" feeling as to what any of our kids were going to be.  When we found out we were pregnant this time, and under the circumstances, I thought logically that it MUST be a boy.  I thought that we must have gotten pregnant against all of the odds because we were meant to have a son.  Jim was meant to have a son.  I kept going on and on to him about why it must be a boy even when I knew he was mentally/emotionally trying to prepare himself for a third girl.  I should never have done that.

The tech yesterday offered to try to find out if baby was a boy or a girl right at the beginning of our appointment which at the time I thought was great.  Baby was super cooperative, and as soon as he got the shot Jim and I both knew.  There was nothing there.  It wasn't a boy.  I instantly said, "I'm sorry" to Jim and started crying.  The room was silent (poor tech) and several more times throughout the appointment I just mouthed "I'm sorry" to him.  I'm sure the tech thought I was an awful person.  I felt like an awful person.  I was so sure that the reason we'd been given this "oops" pregnancy was because we were supposed to have a boy in our family.  I thought, "If the point of this pregnancy isn't to have a boy, what's the point?  What's the point of us having ANOTHER girl?"  I actually thought that.  Those exact thoughts.  "What's the point of this baby?"  Can you imagine the guilt I have over that thought?

We were both pretty quiet walking back to the car and Jim did all of the talking while I cried on the way to the store to get the balloons.  Balloons I'd been so very excited to get home and give to the girls.  Balloons that I now wanted nothing to do with.  Jim was crushed, my heart was breaking for him, and we both felt enormous guilt for this yet-to-be-born baby girl.

We picked the girls up, which brightened both of our moods a little and headed home to have them open the box.  Stella saw the pink balloon and said, "it's a girl?"  I think even she was in shock.  She and Lu played with the balloons for a while and we all just hung out in Lucy's room.  Being with those two girls was the best thing for Jim and I at that moment.

Later last night Stella said, "Why does God always do something different?  If I were God, I'd have picked a boy.  I'd have thought 'too.many.GIRLS!'"  (said with the cutest little Miss Thing hand gesture).

It was pretty quiet at our house the rest of the night.  Finally, emotionally drained we went to bed.  I thought the worst was over.  Stella woke in the middle of the night crying... she was just SAD.

This morning I was still feeling low.  I got into the shower just thinking I was tired and I LOST it.  I was just sobbing and thinking, "I'm SO sorry, Jim.  I'm SO sorry, Stella.  I'm SO sorry, God.  I'm SO sorry baby girl." over and over.  When Jim came into the bathroom we talked a little more.  Because of his childhood he feels like maybe he'd have been too tough on a son.  He thinks that it's his fault we don't get to have a son.  That he's not deserving.  I hate watching him like that.  As he walked out of the bathroom he said, "I trust that God gave us what we need.  I just wish God trusted me a little more."  Seriously?!?!  Let the water-works start all over again.

I think we've gotten a lot of it out of our systems.  I think we're approaching a place of acceptance.  I KNOW without any doubt that our life will be beyond wonderful and that we are so blessed.  I know without a doubt that this girl will know how very WANTED she is.  I have no doubts about any of that.  I also know that there will probably always be times that Jim wished he could have known what it would be like to have a son.  I'm so sorry that we weren't able to experience that, but so very grateful that (especially the way things were looking a few years ago) we are where we are with the growing family that we have.

This post wasn't fun to write and I'm sure it's not particularly uplifting to read, but it's real and it feels good to vomit it all out.

It's a...

19 weeks

I'm ready to see some more pictures of the sweet babe and get a bit more reassurance that everything is going well (I never really relax until they're in our arms... who am I kidding???  I never stop worrying!) But you know what I mean.  I can't quite let my guard down until I'm holding them,  have seen their face, counted all of the little fingers and toes, and heard their cries. 

I'm a bundle of nerves today - wish us luck!



Patience

People sometimes tell me they don't know how I have the patience to be a teacher.  Honestly, I'm not at ALL a patient person!  Other than everyone being healthy, it may be the one things I pray for most - being a more patient mama.

Being pregnant is rough for impatient people and about now I'm dying to know if this wee one is a he or a she!  I want to knit for it, shop for it, plan bedrooms, etc.

I have mixed emotions about it...  on one hand, I'd LOVE for all of us to get to experience having a boy (Stella is DYING for a brother) and I would love nothing more than to see Jim with a son.

On the other hand, I have pretty much zero experience with little boys.  I don't even think I've ever changed a boy's diaper!  I really have no desire to play with legos and GI Joe men (just as Jim doesn't want to play with dolls and barbies).  The room situation would also be so much easier if this baby is a girl.  But... I think what makes me want a girl the most is that we have a girl name that we are both over the moon CRAZY for!  It's totally unlike us have names that we like at this point (we still won't share until s/he's born), but I'll honestly be bummed not to get to use the name.  Isn't that ridiculous?!?!?!

Everything points to a boy so I'm trying to prepare myself to not get to use it and Jim's preparing himself for more estrogen in the house.  I'll be so very glad when we know and can do some planning!

Happy Friday!