Tuesday, November 20, 2012

The moment my heart broke

I'm going to be completely and brutally honest here.  Ugly honest. Without pictures to try to lighten the mood.

I've never had a "gut" feeling as to what any of our kids were going to be.  When we found out we were pregnant this time, and under the circumstances, I thought logically that it MUST be a boy.  I thought that we must have gotten pregnant against all of the odds because we were meant to have a son.  Jim was meant to have a son.  I kept going on and on to him about why it must be a boy even when I knew he was mentally/emotionally trying to prepare himself for a third girl.  I should never have done that.

The tech yesterday offered to try to find out if baby was a boy or a girl right at the beginning of our appointment which at the time I thought was great.  Baby was super cooperative, and as soon as he got the shot Jim and I both knew.  There was nothing there.  It wasn't a boy.  I instantly said, "I'm sorry" to Jim and started crying.  The room was silent (poor tech) and several more times throughout the appointment I just mouthed "I'm sorry" to him.  I'm sure the tech thought I was an awful person.  I felt like an awful person.  I was so sure that the reason we'd been given this "oops" pregnancy was because we were supposed to have a boy in our family.  I thought, "If the point of this pregnancy isn't to have a boy, what's the point?  What's the point of us having ANOTHER girl?"  I actually thought that.  Those exact thoughts.  "What's the point of this baby?"  Can you imagine the guilt I have over that thought?

We were both pretty quiet walking back to the car and Jim did all of the talking while I cried on the way to the store to get the balloons.  Balloons I'd been so very excited to get home and give to the girls.  Balloons that I now wanted nothing to do with.  Jim was crushed, my heart was breaking for him, and we both felt enormous guilt for this yet-to-be-born baby girl.

We picked the girls up, which brightened both of our moods a little and headed home to have them open the box.  Stella saw the pink balloon and said, "it's a girl?"  I think even she was in shock.  She and Lu played with the balloons for a while and we all just hung out in Lucy's room.  Being with those two girls was the best thing for Jim and I at that moment.

Later last night Stella said, "Why does God always do something different?  If I were God, I'd have picked a boy.  I'd have thought 'too.many.GIRLS!'"  (said with the cutest little Miss Thing hand gesture).

It was pretty quiet at our house the rest of the night.  Finally, emotionally drained we went to bed.  I thought the worst was over.  Stella woke in the middle of the night crying... she was just SAD.

This morning I was still feeling low.  I got into the shower just thinking I was tired and I LOST it.  I was just sobbing and thinking, "I'm SO sorry, Jim.  I'm SO sorry, Stella.  I'm SO sorry, God.  I'm SO sorry baby girl." over and over.  When Jim came into the bathroom we talked a little more.  Because of his childhood he feels like maybe he'd have been too tough on a son.  He thinks that it's his fault we don't get to have a son.  That he's not deserving.  I hate watching him like that.  As he walked out of the bathroom he said, "I trust that God gave us what we need.  I just wish God trusted me a little more."  Seriously?!?!  Let the water-works start all over again.

I think we've gotten a lot of it out of our systems.  I think we're approaching a place of acceptance.  I KNOW without any doubt that our life will be beyond wonderful and that we are so blessed.  I know without a doubt that this girl will know how very WANTED she is.  I have no doubts about any of that.  I also know that there will probably always be times that Jim wished he could have known what it would be like to have a son.  I'm so sorry that we weren't able to experience that, but so very grateful that (especially the way things were looking a few years ago) we are where we are with the growing family that we have.

This post wasn't fun to write and I'm sure it's not particularly uplifting to read, but it's real and it feels good to vomit it all out.

It's a...

Monday, November 19, 2012

19 weeks

I'm ready to see some more pictures of the sweet babe and get a bit more reassurance that everything is going well (I never really relax until they're in our arms... who am I kidding???  I never stop worrying!) But you know what I mean.  I can't quite let my guard down until I'm holding them,  have seen their face, counted all of the little fingers and toes, and heard their cries. 

I'm a bundle of nerves today - wish us luck!

Friday, November 16, 2012


People sometimes tell me they don't know how I have the patience to be a teacher.  Honestly, I'm not at ALL a patient person!  Other than everyone being healthy, it may be the one things I pray for most - being a more patient mama.

Being pregnant is rough for impatient people and about now I'm dying to know if this wee one is a he or a she!  I want to knit for it, shop for it, plan bedrooms, etc.

I have mixed emotions about it...  on one hand, I'd LOVE for all of us to get to experience having a boy (Stella is DYING for a brother) and I would love nothing more than to see Jim with a son.

On the other hand, I have pretty much zero experience with little boys.  I don't even think I've ever changed a boy's diaper!  I really have no desire to play with legos and GI Joe men (just as Jim doesn't want to play with dolls and barbies).  The room situation would also be so much easier if this baby is a girl.  But... I think what makes me want a girl the most is that we have a girl name that we are both over the moon CRAZY for!  It's totally unlike us have names that we like at this point (we still won't share until s/he's born), but I'll honestly be bummed not to get to use the name.  Isn't that ridiculous?!?!?!

Everything points to a boy so I'm trying to prepare myself to not get to use it and Jim's preparing himself for more estrogen in the house.  I'll be so very glad when we know and can do some planning!

Happy Friday!

Prep work!

The girls are going to be away tomorrow night so in addition to some much appreciated alone time with Jim (sadly, we're spending some of our time car shopping - BLECH!!!!), I'm planning to do some Advent Calendar/Christmas prep!

I made a list of ideas for Bob, our elf, and a list of advent activities.  Some will probably be left out as I do want to get the girls a couple of small presents, but the activities went over really well this year so I'd like to continue with them.  In case you're in need (and haven't gotten a ton of ideas from Pinterest already), here are ours:  I printed out a holiday pattern on one side and then put the paper back through to print on the other side so when I hang them from the girls' calendars they'll see a design.  Pretty scrapbook paper would work well too, I just didn't happen to have any.

Tuesday, November 13, 2012

18 weeks

At 18 weeks I feel like there isn't really a lot to report.  I feel so much like my "normal" self that I find myself forgetting about even being pregnant!  The little flutters are getting more frequent to remind me though.  :)

Friday, November 9, 2012

Holiday Countdowns

It's no secret by now that I love me some countdowns!  And... seeing as Stella is a little version of me in so many ways, it's no surprise that she loves them too.  I always find that they make it easier for her to judge time.  Last night she asked me if I'd make her a countdown to Bob again this year (our Elf on the Shelf).  She loves to mark a big "X" through each box at the end of the day!  Since she doesn't have a great grasp of days and has no concept really of DATES, I use pictures for each day to help her indentify them.  Here's ours for this year:

She also asked if we could do Santa's beard countdown again this year.  Last year I made one but this year I found one already done online and just printed it out.  I like that it has numbered spots for the cottonballs!
 I think that the more little things we do the easier the wait is!

Other than an advent calender (which we do up big), does your family have anything you do to help the little ones with the wait?  I'm always looking for new ideas to try out!

Happy LOOONG weekend, I'm off for some fun with one of my favorite people!

Tuesday, November 6, 2012

17 weeks

Finding time to put on the pregnancy dress, set up the camera, and try to take a picture while its light out is proving difficult. A quick cell phone shot I can handle!

Still down a few pounds, still in regular clothes, and the nausea is gone. This stage of pregnancy really does kick butt!